taste of seminary, final reflections.

today, i finally e-mailed my feedback form to the Taste of Seminary admin. this kind of tedious household activity usually takes me a while to get through, but i think i was also putting it off because i didn't want it to be over. i wanted to keep the memories alive, in whatever way i can. alas, the best kind of conferences act as catalysts and not some means to an end...so now that everything's done, here's what i'll take with me as i continue this season of my life.

lesson #1: mainline folks are christian too!

it may sound surprising or absurd, depending on where you're coming from. at one point in our small group's final presentation, i facetiously yelled, "hey! did you know that mainlike folks are christian too?" that caused an friendly uproar, as the program took place at a mainline seminary. it was meant to provoke, but it also wasn't too far off from my prior understanding of mainline christianity. somewhere down the road, i came to believe that the faith of the mainline people need to be questioned and tested, as if i had the right to do so in the first place. i mean, c'mon- how can you not believe in the literal resurrection of Christ and still call yourself a christian?! but after a week of studying, asking questions, struggling, conversing and worshipping with these people, i saw their love for the Lord. and as different as we may be in some of the convictions we hold, God's love and holiness felt even deeper and greater when walking with the people whose faith i questioned before ever getting to know them.

lesson #2: there's a place for people like me in the world of seminarians?!

over the years, i've been incredibly blessed to have a very loving and supportive community. throughout my time at TKC and IVCF at UCSD/madison, i was empowered with opportunities that not everyone gets during HS or college. at the same time, i always felt some sort of need to hold back. i didn't feel comfortable to talk until someone (usually a person of higher authority) made space for me to speak. i wasn't sure if my thoughts were valuable. i didn't think people would be interested in the stuff that i'm passionate about. at Taste, it was different. i think part of it was just the fact that i'm growing older and bolder- i think i'm starting to turn into one of those shameless korean ahjoomahs (married women). i knew that i had no choice but to speak up if i wanted to be heard. and hear they did! but other than that, it was wonderful to be affirmed in my interests. to hear someone older and wiser affirm the questions i have such as: why do the presbyterians do communion the way they do? what is the role of technology in places of worship? where is the balance between the movement of the Spirit and the strict schedule that is required of conferences? how do we do liturgy in ways that deepens the appreciation for the catholic church, without making it seem habitual? throughout the week i was encouraged to seriously consider seminary (i guess that's the point of the program), but more significantly, i felt that there could be a place for someone like me in the institution.

lesson #3: i'm growing.

i have this fear/obsession with growth. i get paranoid that i'm not learning and growing. i think the fear stems from not wanting to be left behind. when it comes to moving, i'd rather be the one to move away. i'd rather be the person who comes back changed. i just really don't like being left behind. so i hated the idea of everyone else moving forward, growing, being employed, learning new skills, blahblahblah...and me being left behind in this hot, dry desert. i think that's been my biggest fear and the hardest part of moving back home. the feeling of the world moving on without me. then sometime in may, i got an e-mail from a dear friend, encouraging me the apply for this program. something in me just knew that i had to do it. and after a long, intensive week, as i was flying back home, i felt like God remembered me. i'm still struggling with the concept of growth and how that looks like, but for now, i am grateful for the reminder that He hasn't forgotten about me.