taste of seminary, final reflections.

today, i finally e-mailed my feedback form to the Taste of Seminary admin. this kind of tedious household activity usually takes me a while to get through, but i think i was also putting it off because i didn't want it to be over. i wanted to keep the memories alive, in whatever way i can. alas, the best kind of conferences act as catalysts and not some means to an end...so now that everything's done, here's what i'll take with me as i continue this season of my life.

lesson #1: mainline folks are christian too!

it may sound surprising or absurd, depending on where you're coming from. at one point in our small group's final presentation, i facetiously yelled, "hey! did you know that mainlike folks are christian too?" that caused an friendly uproar, as the program took place at a mainline seminary. it was meant to provoke, but it also wasn't too far off from my prior understanding of mainline christianity. somewhere down the road, i came to believe that the faith of the mainline people need to be questioned and tested, as if i had the right to do so in the first place. i mean, c'mon- how can you not believe in the literal resurrection of Christ and still call yourself a christian?! but after a week of studying, asking questions, struggling, conversing and worshipping with these people, i saw their love for the Lord. and as different as we may be in some of the convictions we hold, God's love and holiness felt even deeper and greater when walking with the people whose faith i questioned before ever getting to know them.

lesson #2: there's a place for people like me in the world of seminarians?!

over the years, i've been incredibly blessed to have a very loving and supportive community. throughout my time at TKC and IVCF at UCSD/madison, i was empowered with opportunities that not everyone gets during HS or college. at the same time, i always felt some sort of need to hold back. i didn't feel comfortable to talk until someone (usually a person of higher authority) made space for me to speak. i wasn't sure if my thoughts were valuable. i didn't think people would be interested in the stuff that i'm passionate about. at Taste, it was different. i think part of it was just the fact that i'm growing older and bolder- i think i'm starting to turn into one of those shameless korean ahjoomahs (married women). i knew that i had no choice but to speak up if i wanted to be heard. and hear they did! but other than that, it was wonderful to be affirmed in my interests. to hear someone older and wiser affirm the questions i have such as: why do the presbyterians do communion the way they do? what is the role of technology in places of worship? where is the balance between the movement of the Spirit and the strict schedule that is required of conferences? how do we do liturgy in ways that deepens the appreciation for the catholic church, without making it seem habitual? throughout the week i was encouraged to seriously consider seminary (i guess that's the point of the program), but more significantly, i felt that there could be a place for someone like me in the institution.

lesson #3: i'm growing.

i have this fear/obsession with growth. i get paranoid that i'm not learning and growing. i think the fear stems from not wanting to be left behind. when it comes to moving, i'd rather be the one to move away. i'd rather be the person who comes back changed. i just really don't like being left behind. so i hated the idea of everyone else moving forward, growing, being employed, learning new skills, blahblahblah...and me being left behind in this hot, dry desert. i think that's been my biggest fear and the hardest part of moving back home. the feeling of the world moving on without me. then sometime in may, i got an e-mail from a dear friend, encouraging me the apply for this program. something in me just knew that i had to do it. and after a long, intensive week, as i was flying back home, i felt like God remembered me. i'm still struggling with the concept of growth and how that looks like, but for now, i am grateful for the reminder that He hasn't forgotten about me.

taste of seminary, day 5

i had lots to process tonight, but i'm still upset about game 7 and i can't remember what i wanted to blog about.

taste of seminary, day 4

today has been the most restful so far. there's a grassy quad area outside the lecture hall that we practically live in, so a handful of us even got to squeeze in a game of volleyball while waiting for the korean bbq to be ready. ohmy, what an experience to share my comfort food with others! i was delighted when people who tried it for the first time shared that they really enjoyed it. funny moment- someone told me that emile, an african american from louisiana, poured bbq sauce all over his food (INCLUDING the jab-chae and the rice). i suppose it's not so different from my eating fried chicken with sriracha sauce, but still...it's just not right. so i dropped by his table and exclaimed, "so, i heard that you poured bbq sauce all over MY FOOD?!" he laughed till he couldn't breathe. it was all in good fun, but i hope that next time he'll try it without smothering the goodness that is the kalbi marinade. i was proud of myself for being direct and communicating my indignation, but in a way that made sense to him.

we started the day in worship. rashad played the piano and led us in singing "today is the day" and "how great thou art". it's funny how musical worship can inexplicably transcend and unite people, despite our seemingly huge differences. maybe it's because we focus on His greatness instead of our differences.

our small group time that's scheduled for 30 minutes once again turned to 2+ hours. it's fun to see guards being brought down and trust being built up- people are asking harder, more personal questions and daring to interrupt others.

i realized that i've been reflecting a lot about the intellectual. but since my franciscan friar-theology prof would argue that spirituality is also about the corporal, i will hit the sack with a pleasant revelation that i had at lunch today: cilantro mayo is uhhh-MA-zing.

taste of seminary, day 3

surprising realization: i'm more tired after 3 days of "tasting" seminary than after a week of urbana 09. so with that, more tidbits of experiences, thoughts and highlights today-

• i always thought that it was unfortunate for "some" evangelicals to caricature the mainline folks (social activists without jesus). well, i'm learning that caricaturing also happens the other way around (surprise, surprise). i didn't like it when the profs presented their worldview as if i didn't know or believe that justice and faith can and must co-exist.
  
• so, so thankful for the professors, however different our worldviews, chose to be with us throughout the whole week. they eat with us, sit in other profs' lectures, go on site visits with us, participate in group discussions...that's passion, generosity and humility.
• a costa rican american professor in his late 60s said, "i have issues with my parents"- perhaps we're not so different after all.
• in my frustration, i scribbled HOW THEN DO WE STUDY THE SCRIPTURE?!
• visited an org called asian american institute and learned about immigration issues affecting the aa community.
• the phrase "come as you are" has a whole different meaning now. i grew up hearing it in very spiritual terms- but what does it look like to attend church as you are...an undocumented immigrant?
• another question that i may grapple with for a while: what does it mean for "illegal" immigrants when pastors preach about being citizens in God's kingdom?
• just for perspective: 38% of the CA economy is directly tied to the work of the undocumented workers.

those are the things i jotted in my journal, and then i stopped because my mind was too tired to write. some reflections:

• it's not so much tiring to be around people, but it's absolutely exhausting having to constantly externalize and articulate my thoughts and explain why i view the way i view things
• the social activist from the asian american institute was a korean american woman whose journey seemed to parallel mine almost exactly. SO WEIRD. 1.5 gen, evangelical and charismatic background, blahblahblah
• i love LOVE my small group
• the food is decent
• had the privilege of speaking with two women who shared about their struggles on their identity, culture, external expectations and internal dreams, and all of that intersecting with faith. wow, what a THRILL! my immediate thought post-conversation: so THIS is why IV staff do what they do!
• the above statement does NOT mean that i want to go on campus staff. i truly do not feel inspired to do that on a daily basis
• after the lecture on church history, my only thought was, "need safe space. need safe space." i just wanted to be around fellow evangelicals and not have to justify, deconstruct, and ask, ask ask. so the most restful moment today was when i sat across from mark, a chinese american who currently attends northpark seminary, and ate my dinner in silence.

what was most freeing today was to hear the activist (she has a korean name and i keep on forgetting what it is) say something along the lines of, "at the end of the day, are your professors' deconstructions going to disassemble your faith? will their modernistic approach to a post-modern construction of the christian faith invalidate your personal encounters with God?" "heckno" was my response. BUT the belief that at the end of the day, what stands are God's love and sovereignty is now rooted more deeply because i was forced to ask those hard, academic and shaky questions. that, i'd say was my worship to Him today.

taste of seminary, day 2

i'm wiped out again. this time, not only physically but emotionally as well. oh, but there was so much deep, deep gladness! here are some fragmented thoughts-

today, the lecture was on biblical studies. according to my m.div'ed small group leader, our two professors teaching today managed to squeeze about three weeks worth of materials in two hours. needless to say, it was a lot to take in and i cried after the lecture. it was my first time crying in front of a professor. observations and thoughts from the lecture-

• the writers of the scripture wrote from a specific context, with intentions and motives that can be very human. i read the scripture through cultural lenses that are different from theirs, with my own interpretations. this is also very, very human. so my question was...where is the divine amidst this?
• in the interpretation of a passage, i resonated more with gerhard von rad, a german lutheran pastor from 50 years ago than with a fellow woman of color of my time
• first exposure to mainline protestantism. the profs presented information that was already familiar in a way that opened a can of worms that i didn't know existed.
• seeing the love for God and the passion with which frank and margaret (the profs) obey their callings as teacher-preachers were beautiful, hopeful and redemptive despite our different views
• thankful for my moments of dialogue and connection with frank, margaret and JEN I-M. jen was basically my staffworker for the day.
• a highlight: very brief convo with tatiana, an african american student in the bathroom right after the lecture was over. she asked me how i was doing, and i was almost in tears. i asked her how she felt, and she triumphantly said that she felt freed. how beautiful to hear that the same presentation that burned a hole in my gut freed another person!
• another highlight: conversation about interpretation of the scripture with rashad, the morehouse student whom i'm such a fan of. we talked about how the word was an inspiration both to justify injustices and awaken freedom. subsequent question: in the ways i interpret the scripture, do i unintentionally draw boundaries that marginalize those i see as "the others"?

those were some gritty stuff that came out of that lecture. other highlights and things worth remembering:

• walking around hyde park, sorta seeing obama's house (you're only allowed to peek from across the street and the trees obscured the view). the secret service was parked in the intersection and i wanted to take a picture with them (didn't happen)
• 1 hr-turned-3 hr debrief with my small group was contemplative, healing and joy-filled. i really, really like them.
• finally, remembered once again that God is sovereign over everyone and all of the things we talked about and struggled with. his sovereignty appears to me even greater and deeper in light of the differences i have with these people.

i end today remembering a quote shared by a fellow small group member:

"in essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, in all things charity"

-st. augustine

taste of seminary, day 1

it's late and i'm already sleep deprived so i'm going to try to keep this brief...

current emotion: OVERWHELMED and ridiculously excited. it's only been one day and i've learned and experienced so much.

morning: site visit and worship service at a latino united methodist church in humboldt park neighborhood. some thoughts-

• a phrase that came to mind was GRITTY JOY. some of the prayer requests that were shared were intense and almost completely unfamiliar to me- families facing separation due to deportation, 3 women in need of kidney transplants but are unable to receive them (despite the fact that they have family members who are compatible) because of their illegal status, a little boy shot in the head. and yet, there was so much joy that arose among the people. el Senor is their savior and the praises that they shout come straight from their deepest sorrows and hopes.
• there was an anti-bacterial lotion in the front of the chapel next to the sacraments. it reminded me of what the pastor said earlier in the service when referring to the inaccessible health care that is the reality of the majority of the congregation- "germs don't discriminate". that purell lotion became a humorous and symbolic object to me.
• the lead pastor is a WASP (and from texas, of all places). i was thankful for a man who, by appearance and background, could've easily ignored the needs of this community and minister comfortably in some northwest suburb of chicago. and yet, he chose use his social status and power to give voice to the voiceless. so despite his at times ridiculous political comments, i believe that he's a man of integrity.
• "these are the people who rode on the backs of our movement" the pastor, when referring to the president and his chicago-based sidekicks about their humble and hopeful beginnings and their journey to being part of the system of oppression. (that, by the way, was not one of his ridiculous comments.)
• the service was bi-lingual, multi-generational and liturgical. there was so much to learn and experience!

some other highlights-

• met with a korean canadian professor who studies practical theology and specializes in worship and historical liturgy. she basically studies and theorizes about stuff that i get excited about. it was SO weird and freeing to talk to someone who understood and empathized with my questions, concerns, hopes and excitement. stuff like theological implications on including (or omitting) liturgical elements in worship, creating space for the spirit to move in a very structured environment, etc...they're not exactly friendly topics for small talk. AND she's a korean canadian female. connected on parental expectations, bi-cultural struggles and triumphs, etc. wowzers.
• i began today slightly guarded. brief encounters with different people last night left me wondering if some of these folks were too different for me to fully engage in dialogue. not surprisingly, the people i felt most comfortable with were asian americans from the west coast. but throughout the day i had some insightful, thought provoking convos. this is kinda sad to say, but i got really excited to talk to one of the guys in my small group- he's the first morehouse student i spoke to, ever. i don't know why that's significant, but it is.
• i think this is my first time being a minority in a non-white majority environment. i think african americans hold the highest percentage. i think the group dynamics will evolve over the week, but so far, it's been a great experience. i'm trying to speak out more instead of waiting to be asked for my thoughts, because i know that won't happen.
• frank yamada comes up to me and says, "so, are you sure you're not in seminary already?" it's the intervarsity education, sir.
• felt really really crappy this morning. almost felt like fainting during worship service, and it definitely wasn't the work of the holy spirit. 15 hours of being en route for what should've been a 6 hour trip, not eating enough breakfast, not getting enough rest, and acclimating to the humid chicago weather took a toll on me. hope to be better rested by tomorrow morn.
• finally, the swag bag is AWESOME. sharpie pen, kleenex, stainless steel water bottle, small bottle of sunblock and moleskine notebook, woohoo!

tomorrow, we start the first lecture led by frank yamada on biblical studies. i go to bed tonight stoked.

preach it.

"Moreover, there are many thoughtful people who are profoundly attracted to Jesus but frankly “put off” by what they see of the church. They see a lack of integrity: a huge gulf between the message the church proclaims and the way its leaders behave, not least towards one another. How did a socially subversive, egalitarian movement centred in worshipping and following a crucified Jew change so quickly into a hierarchical, patriarchal and anti-Semitic religious institution? Whether we are Pentecostals or Roman Catholics we need to keep returning to that old question. We in Asia and Africa cannot keep blaming Christendom. I am amused by how many of our Southern bishops and clergy who bitterly condemn Western Christendom cling so tenaciously to titles and status honour and forms of address (and dress!) that they have inherited from Christendom." (italics mine)

-thoughts by Vinoth Ramachandra, Secretary for Dialogue & Social Engagement in the IFES movement

cry of the heart

"...Calling God "Abba, Father" (see Roman 8:15; Galatians 4:6) is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings. It has nothing do with naming God but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are. This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits. It is the claim of love."

-Henri J. M. Nouwen