on girls, team jacob, and confusing calculators

my baby bro started junior high this week(!!!), so i thought today was a fine time to start asking for his thoughts on the big g-word. Girls. our conversation went something like this.

awj: any cute girls at school?
joe: yeah, but...i don't know how to approach them, you know? like, what am i supposed to say, "hey my name is joe and you're in my english and science class"?
sigh. times like this make me wish that i were a guy so that i can teach him all the manly ways of the world.

...a little while later, we talked about friends he hangs out with during lunch.
a: any girls eat with you guys?
j: yeah, i guess. there's some blondes.
a: ooh. any special blonde in the group? *nudgenudge*
j: you mean, is there anyone extra dumb?
that was about how far i got on the subject. deep down, i'm happy that he's still somewhat oblivious to their/our potency. i hope it stays this way for a while.

joe is also getting funnier as he's getting older. i think he gets the dry humor from dad. here are a couple more moments that made me thoroughly appreciate his growth.

the convo about girls/relationships carried over to dinner. it was his turn to ask questions.
j: noona, who did you go with to prom again?
a: edward.
j: so he's your first boyfriend?
a: nope, just my prom date.
j: so you don't have to date them to take them to prom?
a: nope!
j: was he korean?
a: yup!
j: so THAT'S why you only went to prom with him!
a: *coughoutsomerice* uhhh
j: noona, did you ever date any jacobs?

on our way back from office max after purchasing a scientific calculator for him...
j: i remember in like, 4th grade, it was my dream to use a confusing calculator. i didn't pray for it or anything, but i wanted to have one.
a: well, now you have one!
j: and it's not casio, SON!

my baby bro, killing time with his unemployed noona.

convo with god before dinner

here's how isaac began his prayer before dinner today:

dear God,

thank you for this wonderful day. thank you also for the rain. it has made arizona TRULY beautiful.

i hope He'll get the hint and keep it this way. 85 feels TRULY heavenly when it should be 115 outside.

what i remember of U09 seven months later, part III

december 26, 2009

this is the one day from my week in st. louis last december that i really don't want to remember. consequently the memories are a bit hazy.

i started the day moving all of the minute by minute binders from my hotel room to the edward jones dome. convention centers are their own bureaucratic worlds- because of union rules, basic pre-conference activities like unloading had to be planned months in advance...so not knowing how i was going to get 12 boxes of three inch binders and 40-something swag bags from the hotel to the dome was a huge source of headache. i remember feeling immensely grateful that one of the ops directors helped me take them across the street to the dome with his golf cart. i also remember feeling really jealous of his mode of transportation that week.

the rest of the day is a huge blur. i remember walking through the backstage area of the dome, to make sure that the locker rooms were opened to be used as green rooms for the platform teams. i remember wanting to tear my hair out as i greeted the platform folks. i was thrilled to see them, but we had a massive hotel check-in problem for what seemed like the entire worship, theatre and speaker teams. some couldn't remember their aliases for check-in, some had the wrong check-out dates, some weren't in the system at all. it's really hard for me to not take responsibility when stuff like that happens, so i had to work hard to not feel like i failed the entire universe.

later in the evening, it was the staff banquet, something that i've been looking forward to since i first heard about it. unfortunately, i don't remember much about this either, except getting teary eyed when alec talked about jim and beth leaving for the middle east after his term with intervarsity. oh, and making sure that nikki didn't drink iced tea. that was part of my onsite job description, so i'm proud to say that i did that part really well. the highlight of that evening was getting the rolling laptop case from joe. for the rest of that week, carrying a three inch binder, four bottles of vitamin water, radio and headset, nikki's iphone, my cell phone and an endless supply of hand sanitizer packets and ginger tea was a breeze, thanks to joe's mom. it didn't matter that i got teased for bringing a "school bus" with me everywhere i went. i got things done with it by my side, and that's what mattered.

the last scheduled event that day was the orientation for backstage staff. katherine was in charge of the orientation, but she was stuck at o'hare due to a cursed snowstorm...which meant that i had to lead the meeting. wendi, who was my large group staff worker, was there as one of the backstage lounge hosts. giving instructions to my former staff worker felt weird, but it also reminded me of how far i've come along. the orientation went well, for the most part. it's funny though, how one can easily forget one's many accomplishments in the face of a few, stark failures. i got everything i needed to get done at the orientation, but fell asleep realizing that i forgot to do the most important thing: start the meeting with prayer.

what i remember of U09 seven months later, part II

december 25, 2009

seven months ago today, i was on my way to st. louis with kathy and a couple other co-workers. we met late morning and packed up in the national service center (IV headquarters) parking lot. the back of the van was full with our luggage, all the minute by minute binders and a life-sized wooden cross to use in one of the prayer rooms. also packed in the back were pre-activated credit cards for staff meals, about 100K worth. needless to say, dave drove very carefully that day.

from the car ride, i mostly remember munching on mike ikes and yapping a bit before falling asleep and letting becky, who was sitting shotgun, entertain dave. it was probably the best sleep i had in months.

the best part about that christmas day was when we drove into downtown st. louis. it was 7 or 8pm by the time we got to the city. the gateway arch slowly came into view. it was a familiar landmark, one i've seen many times before, though never at night. the silver arch lit up against the evening city backdrop was so beautiful that it almost brought me to tears.

maybe it was my imagination, but i thought i heard someone inside of me whisper, "welcome, daughter." that was how i knew that he was already here, at work, preparing to meet 16,000 of his children. it was a special moment, and i remember telling myself to cherish it. it was one of those rare peaceful and grounding moments in the otherwise hectic and busy week. even though i didn't know it then, the next few days after that drive were especially hellish. a couple hours after checking in the hotel i got into my first and only confrontation with a staff over a conflict of interest. it was a good thing i was too emotionally drained by that point to take it personally.

the last moment i cherish from that day was when kathy and i finally got in our hotel room. she opened the curtain and to our delight, our room was directly across the street from the america's center. i prayed a quick prayer for all the participants who will be crossing washington ave everyday that week. i went to bed that day hesitantly excited for the upcoming days.

what i remember of U09 seven months later, part I

"A pleasure is full grown only when it is remembered."

-Hyoi from Out of the Silent Planet

i have selective memory, but on the stuff that i choose to remember, i remember them for a long time. urbana 09 is one of them. the conference is long past, but the memories from that season still come to mind, almost every day. months ago when i was in post-conference mode i thought it would be fun to reflect on U09 a while later, if only just to see what i choose to remember. but as i reflect, it is my prayer that others will also remember. what hyoi wisely shares with his human companion in the book is true (oh c.s. lewis, how profound you are!)- what the 16,000 participants learned and were convicted of in st. louis last december is only the beginning. i hope that their experience will continue to grow as they remember and act upon those memories. so here's what i take away from the conference, seven months later.

december 23, 2009

this was the second worst work day, ever (the one that tops this one happened in october, but that's for another time). i go through a cycle whenever i plan conferences. it starts with excitement, especially if i'm fully on board with the vision of the conference. and then as the planning process continues, it slowly builds into a jumble of excitement, pride, frustration, hope and tension. then right before it's time to go onsite, it's pure chaos. it's one of those very rare times when i unknowingly cuss out the most creative profanities, lose a ton of weight from neglect and care more about what people think than how they feel.

12/23/09 was the apex of all the stress that i accumulated during that season. by 2am of the 24th, i'd been working for 15 hours straight and i still wasn't finished prepping the minute by minute binders. kathy, god bless her wonderful soul, was done with her stuff but chose to stay back with me to get those devils printed out and packed up. i remember being delirious by that point. i laughed a lot, mostly because there was no use in crying. it's times like these that makes me feel most alone and helpless. the world is blissfully at sleep and completely oblivious to your epic battle with, say, the laser printer. you know it's petty, and that's exactly why you break down and wonder if any of this will be worth it. i don't know how i would've survived those late hours without kathy there.

i remember finally getting most of the stuff done at around 4:00am, and telling myself that i'll come back later in the day for a couple hours to finish everything up. little did i know that i would actually end up working a lot longer than just a couple hours (i wasn't supposed to come in the office on christmas eve at all). but the thing that really pushed kathy and me over was when we walked out of the office. it had rained earlier in the evening, and then the temperature dipped below freezing. it was the first time i saw my car fully covered in ice, like a stained glass sculpture. we were out there for another 30 minutes scraping off the ice before we were finally able to drive home. i remember driving home at like 15 mph on the icy roads, while having morosely responsible thoughts like, 'wouldn't it be tragically ironic if i got into an accident right now and couldn't make it to st. louis? hey, at least i got the minute by minutes done!'

i remember finally crawling onto my bed that night, exhausted, wondering how i was going to muster up enough energy to pack, let alone last through the conference. and that's how my urbana week began.

space as described by clive staples

A nightmare, long engendered in the modern mind by the mythology that follows in the wake of science, was falling off him. He had read of 'Space': at the back of his thinking for years had lurked the dismal fancy of the black, cold vacuity, the utter deadness, which was supposed to separate the worlds. He had not known how much it affected him till now--now that the very name 'Space' seemed a blasphemous libel for this empyrean ocean of radiance in which they swam. He could not call it 'dead'; he felt life pouring into him from it every moment. How indeed should it be otherwise, since out of this ocean the worlds and all their life had come? He had thought it barren: he saw now that it was the womb of worlds, whose blazing and innumerable offspring looked down nightly even upon the earth with so many eyes--and here, with how many more! No: Space was the wrong name. Older thinkers had been wiser when they named it simply the heavens--the heavens which declare the glory--the

'happy climes that ly

Where day never shuts his eye

Up in the broad fields of the sky.'

c.s. lewis, out of the silent planet

i love the deep simplicity of his writing. excited to read the rest of the trilogy with my manuscript-now-book-club-partner, chris!